The Secret Diary of Commander femShepard
by 1Syphira
Summary: Total CRACK that I've wanted to write for a while. Inspired by "The Secret Diary of Luke Skywalker" which I HIGHLY recommend everyone read. XD Rated T for some language. There will only be three chapters, one for each game. :)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I'm going to apologize in advance to any and all Kaidan fans. XD

**Warnings:** This is TOTAL crack. So if you even think about trying to take it seriously, stop being so serious. Seriously.

**Disclaimer: **Too crazy to own it, too lazy to try. So don't sue!

**T****he Secret Diary of Commander Shepard**

[Mass Effect 1]

_Entry # 1 0900 hours: _Uuuuhhhgggg I hate waiting between missions. I swear if this FTL shit were any slower, turtles could race us to the damn finish line. I mean look at me. I'm writing a damn personal journal for god's sake.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #2 0901 hours: _Yep still bored. And oh look at that it's been a minute.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #3 0916 hours:_ Talked to Kaidan. _Wow_. That was enlightening. He has such interesting things to say. NOT. Christ I've never met someone as boring as he is! Guuuuuhhh why does he have to be under my command . . . .?

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #4 1930 hours: _WOW. So Eden Prime was a fucking failure all over the fucking place I'm so angry GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! What the hell is wrong with my life?!

LOGGED OUT

_Entry #5 1931 hours:_ On the plus side, we picked up a totally kick ass commando chick. Ashley Williams. At least she's more interesting to talk to than Kaidan. *Facedesk*

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #6 1321 hours: _No . . . words . . . the Council . . . FUCK!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #7 1321 hours:_ Let's try this again. The Council and Saren and they innocent . . . . nope I still got nothing. I'm done. I'm done like burnt toast. Or like done like a burnt marshmallow. Damn now I'm hungry. Which means I have to go the mess hall which means I have to survive another conversation with Kaidain. Ugh. Is it overreacting to think suicide is better than conversations with him?

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #8 2141 hours: _So Garrus is awesome. I have just a tiny platonic crush on him. I mean that boy can snipe! DAMN!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #9 2143 hours: _Oh and Wrex is pretty terrifying, but also cool. And Tali is sweet. I don't know why, but I've always had a soft spot for quarians.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #10 2359 hours: _Uuuuuuhhhhhhgggggg can't sleeeeeeeeeeep. We're on our way to find Benezia's daughter. I mean Benezia. She's like . . . in bed with Saren. And this is her daughter. Bad idea much?

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #11 1316 hours: _Ooooooooooh my GAWD. Liara is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking ADORABLE. And beautiful. And awkward and adorable and cute and OMG I JUST WANT TO HUG HER INTO OBLIVION!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #12 2045 hours: _OMG if Admiral Hackett gives me one more fucking "side mission" (as I've decided to start calling them), I'm going to [OMITTED]. Yeah I probably shouldn't write that down. That's how people get demoted. Or court marshaled. Or fired.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #13 2140 hours: _I'm going to NUGGET PUNCH Kaidan if he so much as _thinks_ about hitting on Liara. After surviving another _horribly_ boring conversation, he told me he thinks she's cute. I'll kill him. I saw her first. Seriously. Going. To. Kill. Him.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #14 1329 hours: _Oh my gosh. Liara is so cute. Like I can't even tell you. I mean I can because this is my fucking diary, but I can't even . . . damn. She just confessed she's a virgin and that she has feel goods for me and I have such good feel goods for her and OMG. TT^TT

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #15 2331 hours: _Liara is soooo sad! We had to kill her mom and it was horrible! I am so going to kick Saren's ass into the next century for this. I wonder if I could shnuggle Liara tonight. Think she'd let me? I think I'm going to go for it. She needs someone to take care of her after our horrible ordeal today.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #16 0917 hours: _Okay TOTALLY worth the risk! I went to Liara's room to ask if she was okay and I spent the night! Nothing happened, we just shnuggled the night away and it was so sweet! TT^TT

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #17 1521 hours: _Holy. Shit. Well Virmire was officially the worst mission ever. Wrex freaked out and I thought for a second I would have to kill him and I would have been so sad! He's so adorable! Seriously, I would cry so hard if I had to kill him! On the plus side, Kaidan's dead. Can't say I feel too bad about that. I mean I had to choose between him and Ashley, there really wasn't time to save both. Had to save Ash. She knows not to hit on my woman. Unlike Kaidan. Which is why he's dead.

_Entry #18 1325 hours: _Commander Shepard is a poopy head.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #19 1652 hours: _What the fuck?! Who the hell got into my journal?! Garrus, if that was you, I swear I will rip your testicles out through your anus. Now I'm gonna have to password protect the shit out of my journal now. What a pain. And I always forget passwords. -_-

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2315 HOURS PASSWORD "LIARA TITS" INCORRECT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2316 HOURS PASSWORD "BLUE TITS" INCORRECT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2317 HOURS PASSWORD "BLUE LIARA VAJAJAY TITS" INCORRECT_

_Entry # 20 0900 hours: _Who the hell keeps trying to get into my journal? I'll kick your ass when I find out! Anyway. So the Council grounded the Normandy today after all we did for them. So fuck my life.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #21 0842 hours:_ Uuuuuggghhhhh Liara _almost_ kissed me! GGGRRRR WHY DID JOKER HAVE TO INTERRUPT US?! Doesn't anyone in this damn galaxy understand how much I need some damn nooky?!

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2452 HOURS PASSWORD "TITSLIARATITS" INCORRECT_

_Entry #22 1531 hours_: So we just busted our bad selves off the Citadel. Anderson is officially Badass Mcbadass. So now we're on our way to Ilos to probably die. Yay. I'm going to die a fucking virgin. TT^TT

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #23 0300 hours: _YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I'M NOT GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN! And neither is Liara bow chicka wow wow! Holy . . . shit . . . it was so beautiful. TT^TT We went at it FIVE times. Five. That has to be some kind of record. She is apparently insatiable. So ya'll can bet your booty I'm going to survive this damn mission. Now that I know what I've been missing, I think I'm just going to lock Liara in my room and have sex into oblivion when this mission is over. Seriously it was so amazing! TT^TT

_LOGGED OUT_

THE END

(Coming soon: Chapter two covers Mass Effect 2)


	2. Chapter 2

**T****he Secret Diary of Commander Shepard, Part 2  
**

[Mass Effect 2]

_Entry #24 0200 hours:_ So hi journal. It's me. Apparently I've been away for like two years. And by "away" I mean dead.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #24 0205 hours:_ Okay now that I've collected my shit, let's try this again. So the new Normandy is cool. It's nice to see at least a couple familiar faces. Joker and the Doc are the only two, though. TT^TT Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with my life? I take on Saren and Sovereign like, single-handedly and what do I get for it? I get blown up! So what the fuck ever.

On a side positive note, OMG Cerberus gave me a fish tank! Might not be so bad working with them. Although, the "Illusive Man's" voice makes me want to claw my ears off. He does realize there's an "H" in the word _HUMAN_, right?!

P.S. Not even going to start on the fucking Collectors. I should be used to this shit happening in my life by now. *FACEDESK*

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry # 26 2040 hours: _ So let's discuss my new crew. Miranda . . . whatever. Sexy as fuck but dear god, could she get more uninteresting?! And am I the only one who finds her bubble butt to be more than a little terrifying?! Her dad is clearly a disgusting pervert for making her like that. And Jacob? Does he even know the word "personality?" Because he certainly doesn't have one. I miss my old crew. Especially Liara. TT^TT Apparently she's "not to be trusted" because she might be working for the Shadow Broker. I think what the "Illusive Man" doesn't understand is, I NEED NOOKY DAMNIT! I could try my luck with Kelly because she seems pretty open to sex with anything, but I'm also afraid of STDs. And I feel like she probably has at least ten.

Oh yeah, and because I think "The Illusive Man" is a stupid name and he's a poopy pants, I'm going to call him TIM from now on. Oh yeah. And if you're reading my personal journal, "TIM," I'm going to kick your ugly ass into the next century.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #27 1352 hours: _ Uuuuuuuuhhhhgggggggggg What is with elevators in this damn galaxy?! I mean for fuck's sake, there is such a thing as "inertial dampeners." So why not install a mass effect generator in elevators to launch the fuck out of passengers, and install inertial dampeners to keep people from turning to goo? WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S THOUGHT OF THIS?! I'm not even a fucking scientist!

P.S. EDI scares me. I know she's watching me. All. The. Time. If she can read this journal . . . STOP READING MY JOURNAL! STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU SCARY A.I.! I know she watches me when I shower. PERV!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #28 1731 hours: _So . . . let's discuss Omega. As Miranda puts it, "what a pisshole." Aria is . . . . HAWT, but also more than a little terrifying. Pretty curious about this Mordin person. And Archangel is a pretty badass name, but who is he? That crazy batarian news guy asks a better question: "Who is Archangel? But I have a better question, WHO GIVES A SHIT?!" My sentiments exactly. As long as he can help me take down the Collectors, who cares?

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry # 29 0200 hours: _YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY! ARCHANGEL IS GARRUS! Although, his poor face doesn't look so good. TT^TT I was so scared he would die! But then he didn't and everything is all better with him here! Because he has a personality. Unlike certain members of my crew. *Facedesk*

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #30 1952 hours: _Oh. My. God. Ohmygod. Mordin is officially the most HILARIOUSLY AWESOME salarian EVAR. EEEEVVVVVAAAARRRRRR.

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2351 HOURS PASSWORD "BADASS MCSCARFACE" INCORRECT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2352 HOURS PASSWORD "NOOKYNEEDS" INCORRECT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2353 HOURS PASSWORD "SWEET YOOGOOGLY NEEDS" INCORRECT_

_Entry # 31 0900 hours: _WAH! Not cool Garrus! NOT. COOL. So I had a _couple_ drinks with Doctor Chakwas because she loves brandy and I was _trying_ to be nice. So . . . _maybe_ I had a few glasses too many and _maybe_ I passed out on one of the hospital beds. So _Garrus_ thought it would just be fucking HILARIOUS to write all over my fucking face, and then put pictures of it on the extranet! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHH!

Seriously. I can never show my face in public again. I'll kill him. I mean I love that damn turian, but I'll kill him. Seriously. *Facedesk*

_LOGGED OUT_

_Message received from Counselor Anderson 1300 hours: _Saw some interesting pictures of you today on the extranet. BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

_Message received from Miranda Lawson 1400 hours:_ Shepard, really. We're on a serious mission here.

_Message received from Kasumi Goto 1430 hours: _I must say, Commander Shepard, you look lovely with a little face paint. Have you ever considered modeling for a living?

_Message received from Mordin Solus 1435 hours:_ Commander, have ideas on experiments involving brandy, glow sticks, and red sand. Eagerly await approval.

_Message received from Aria T'Loak 1500 hours:_ Shepard, I don't know what you're playing at, but if you send me one more picture of your fucking boobs, I'm going to rip your face off. If you want to fuck me, just come and fuck me. Don't be a child. That's not sexy.

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2359 HOURS PASSWORD "SWEETBLUENOOKYTITS" INCORRECT_

_Entry # 32 0105 hours: _WHO KEEPS TRYING TO GET INTO MY PERSONAL LOG?! When I find out who you are, I'm going hunt you down, I'm going to cut off your head, I'm going to mount it on a spear in the C.I.C., then I'm going to shoot the rest of your body out of the airlock!

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 0430 HOURS PASSWORD "SWEETBLUEBOOBYTITS" INCORRECT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 0431 HOURS PASSWORD "GREAT GREEN GOBS OF GREASY GRIMY GARRUS GUTS" INCORRECT_

_Message received from unknown sender 0800 hours:_ My Dear Commander Shepard. I highly suggest you don't attempt to have intercourse with Aria T'Loak. I have heard many rumors about the possibility that she's an ardat yakshi. If you don't know what that is, I highly recommend you look it up on the extranet.

_Entry # 33 0200 hours:_ Whoa, what the fuck . . .? Whatever. Fan mail. Probably that fuckin' wack Conrad Verner. Fucking fuckface.

Side note: Looked up what an ardat yakshi is. HOLY SHIT I'm never having sex with Aria! If she's an ardat yakshi, FUCK THAT SHIT!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry # 34 1642 hours:_ Okay so there's a giant tank in my cargo bay filled with a crazy big krogan. Not even sure what the fuck to think about that. I mean seriously. Does this shit happen to everyone, or just me? I think my life will go down in history as the most bizarre ever. Assuming I'm remembered at all. If it were up to the fucking council, I'll just disappear into obscurity. GAH! They told me "Oh yeah, so the reapers are fake, you're a crazy delusional mad person, and Saren MAGICALLY controlled all those geth by himself. Clearly you're just nuts and we're always right. But hey. If you want to be a Spectre, you still can. It's cool." I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK! GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I told them to stick it where the sun don't shine. So I'm not a Spectre anymore, but it was worth it!

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 1741 HOURS PASSWORD "CRABBYRAGEMONSTERTITS" INCORRECT_

_Entry #35 1816 hours: _So . . . woke up Grunt today. HE'SH SHO ADORABLE! I JUST WANTSH TO SHQUISH HIM! He seemed to get a kick out of the fact that I had the balls to pull a gun on him. I mean, how could he expect less? I'M COMMANDER SHEPARD, BITCH! I wonder if krogan cuddle. Do you suppose krogan cuddle? I may have to attempt to cuddle him before all this Collector shit is done. He might kill me, but I think I think it will be worth it.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry # 36 1326 hours:_ Sweet Zombie Jesus how many people do I need to recruit for this damn mission?! Zaeed is a fucking battleship full of crazy, Jack . . . not even going to start on that crazy bitch, don't need to repeat how annoyingly personality-less Jacob is, love Grunt and Garrus and Mordin but GAWD why does everyone keep coming to me with their problems? And Kasumi . . . actually I got nothing bad to say about her. She's fucking hot. And that voice?! DAMN! It's a shame she's still so stuck up on her dead boyfriend, otherwise, I'd romance the shit out of her!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Message received from unknown sender 1411 hours: _My dear Commander Shepard. If you even _think_ about romancing _anyone_ other than me, I may have to take _measures_ to stop you. Consider yourself warned.

_Entry # 37 1625 hours: _WHAT THE FUCK . . . . . . . .?! Who the hell . . . . . ? Oh sweet Jesus I have a stalker. Yikes. Okay, that's a first. I mean I know I'm CRAZY HOT SHIT, but . . . . whatthefuck.

Good to have Tali back. Maybe she can help me figure out who the fuck is stalking me. Or maybe I don't want to know . . . Seriously my life is so weird.

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 1842 HOURS PASSWORD "SEXY BLUE STALKERTITS" INCORRECT_

_Message received from Tali Zorah 1900 hours:_ No I won't help you send naked pictures of yourself to Liara. I don't know where she is or what her new email address is. Stop asking me, you pervert.

_Entry #38 2323 hours:_ YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! We finally went to Illium to recruit Thane and Samara AND LIARA WAS THERE! In hindsight, we probably shouldn't have went at it like a couple of dogs considering her entire office is wired and her assistant was _right outside the door_, but you know what? Commander Shepard got needs! So hey, if anything, the perverts listening in on Liara's conversations just got the show of a lifetime. I probably should have stayed to help Liara clean up her office . . . Yeah it was kind of a mess when I left . . . . But hey, that's what assistants are for! Although, I don't trust that assistant of hers . . . .

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2359 HOURS PASSWORD "HUMPING BUNNY BLUES" INCORRECT_

_Message received from Tali Zorah 1100 hours:_ Shepard, the next time you go to visit your girlfriend, can you do us all a favor and NOT take me with you?! I mean I get that it's been a while since you've seen her and you were happy to see her, but can you just be happy to see her in a little more private setting?! She has a damn apartment, you know!

_Message received from Joker 1200 hours:_ Sooooo . . . next time you go visit Liara, can I come along?

_Entry #39 1932 hours:_ Am I the only fucking person around here who thinks it's a bad idea to have an _assassin_ on board?! He's so weird and creepy! And kinda sexy . . . Too bad he's hung up on his dead wife . . . Man, he and Samara are such Debbie Downers. Apparently Samara has an ardat yakshi daughter we gotta go kill or what the fuck ever. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! Samara, Thane wants to go _save_ his son. Maybe you should take a leaf out of his book and NOT be a terrible mother!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Message received from unknown sender 2001 hours:_ My Dear Commander Shepard. Don't believe Thane's lies. He's contagious.

_Entry #40 2317 hours: _What the shit?! Seriously stop stalking me. I mean really.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry # 41 1620 hours:_ Holyfuckingshitballstitsfuckassmotherfucker! Fuck. Just fuck. Why does everyone have so many damn "loose ends" to tie up and want so many things fixed before we go on our suicide mission?! What does a girl gotta do around here to just get shit done?! FUCK! I mean I get it. We're going on a _suicide mission_ and all, but ya'll bitches need to stop whining. I fucking died and you don't hear me bitching about it. FIX YOUR OWN DAMN PROBLEMS! Except you Garrus. I don't mind helpin' a brotha out 'cause you my BOY.

Oh yeah, and I wonder if showing Grunt some porn sights on the extranet would take care of his "puberty" problem . . .

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry # 42 1750 hours: _Well porn didn't take care of Grunt's puberty problem. Now the cargo bay is an even bigger mess than it was before! GRR. And by "mess" I mean . . . oh you don't want to know what I mean. Let's just say that what's his janitor racist face is going to be super unhappy when he has to clean up the cargo bay.

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 1816 HOURS PASSWORD "GRUNTY PORNO PANTS" INCORRECT_

_Entry # 43 1632 hours: _So . . . met Samara's daughter today. DAMN that girl was FINE! Man, it's a damn shame I had to kill her. If she weren't an ardat yakshi, I totally would have saved her fine ass.

_Message from unknown sender 1700 hours:_ My Dear Commander Shepard. I think we may have to discuss those wandering eyes of yours.

_Entry # 44 1802 hours:_ Seriously, if those messages are from Conrad, I'LL KILL HIM. You know what? I don't even care if they're not from him. I think I'll just kill him anyway.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #45 1940 hours:_ So I defeated a Thresher Maw today. BECAUSE I'M COMMANDER FUCKING SHEPARD, BITCH!

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry #46 0300 hours: _ So . . . recruited a geth today. A geth. A. Fucking. Geth.

What . . . is wrong . . . with my LIFE?!

Although . . . I find him strangely adorable . . . . not sure what that says about me as a person that I find a crazy murderous machine "cute." But I mean he saved a piece of my old armor and slapped it on his shoulder! That'sh sho cute!

_LOG OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2312 HOURS PASSWORD "SWEET SCISSORING TITS"  
_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2312 HOURS PASSWORD "SWEET SIZZLING TITS"_

_Message received from "Legion" 1213 hours: _Shepard Commander, as per your request, we researched localized vibrating, mass effect fields. We look forward to showing you the results of our research.

_Message received from unknown sender, 1215 hours:_ My Dear Commander Shepard, I looked into other attempts at sexual intercourse with geth and they all ended in the violent death of the organic. I highly recommend you do not pursue the current line of inquiry of localized mass effect fields with Legion, unless you'd like to die again.

_Entry #47 1532 hours:_ Oh. My. God. Ohmygod. Yes. God. Thank you. Busted my fucking ass helping Liara and . . . guh . . . fuck I'm crazy sore but it was soooooooooo worth it! She came up to the Normandy and HOLY. SHIT. That outfit she was wearing! *SWOON* DAMN That girl knows how to rock it! She plays the innocent asari crap, but I know better! I'm pretty sure the entire crew is pissed at me now because I had that girl screamin' if you know what I mean. Holy shit my quarters are ruined! It was worth it. I'll just make Kelly clean up the mess. I think I'm going to be walking funny for days and days to come. Heh heh heh.

_Message sent to "Feron" 1700 hours_: Hey Feron, this is Commander Shepard. This is just your friendly neighborhood reminder that if you so much as THINK about touching Liara, undressing Liara with your eyes, having perverted thoughts about Liara, or hitting on her in any way, I'll kill you. Not sure if you heard what happened to the last guy that hit on her, but yeah he's dead. If you don't believe me, just look up the name "Kaidan Alenko." Do I make myself perfectly clear? Good. Glad we see eye to eye on the matter. Tootles!

_Message received from unknown sender 1800 hours:_ My Dear Commander Shepard. This unknown sender approves of your last message.

_LOGGED OUT_

_LOG IN ATTEMPTED 1713 HOURS PASSWORD "NOISY NOOKY NIPPLE NEEDS" INCORRECT_

_Entry #48 2003 hours: _FUUUUUCK MY CREW JUST GOT KIDNAPPED! SONOFABITCH I'M GOING TO KILL THOSE STUPID FUCKING COLLECTORS!

LOGGED OUT

_Entry #49 0312 hours:_ So hi journal. Here I sit on my hawt ass on my way through the Omega 4 relay. I'm gonna die. I mean this shit is called a "suicide" mission after all. Don't mind me, journal. I'm just sitting here, sobbing hysterically over a picture of Liara. I mean, it's a crazy hot naked picture of her, but it's just a picture. Why does my life suck so much?! Why isn't she here on the Normandy with me so I can at least get some damn nooky before I fucking die?! AGAIN.

_LOGGED OUT_

_Entry # 50 2143 hours:_ YYYYYAAAAAAYYYYYYY! I AM OFFICIALLY THE BIGGEST BADASS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING GALAXY! Not only did I survive the suicide mission, my entire fucking crew did too! EAT YOUR HEART OUT ILLUSIVE MAN AND COLLECTORS AND REAPERS AND FUCKING COUNCIL!

LOGGED OUT

**The End of Chapter 2**

**P.S. **Should I do a chapter three for ME3? That game was so much more serious, it seems a little weird, but if you guys approve, then I guess I'll have to! XD


End file.
